Reconnecting With Yourself
How Your Sense of Self Develops
How Your Sense of Self Develops
Have you ever felt as though you no longer know who you are?
You may continue working, socialising and completing your everyday responsibilities while privately feeling disconnected from your emotions, needs or identity.
You might find yourself wondering:
Feeling disconnected from yourself does not necessarily mean that you have lost who you are. It may mean that your connection with certain parts of yourself has become harder to access.
Reconnecting with yourself can begin with understanding how your sense of self developed, noticing what may have caused you to move away from it and learning to listen to yourself again.
The self can be understood as your internal sense of who you are.
It includes your:
Having a stable sense of self does not mean that you remain exactly the same throughout your life.
We naturally change through relationships, new environments, challenges and major life transitions. A connected sense of self allows you to grow and change while still recognising yourself within those changes.
You may behave differently as a partner, friend, family member or professional. However, beneath those different roles, there is usually still a sense of being you.
We are not born with a complete understanding of who we are.
Our sense of self develops gradually through our relationships, environment, culture and experiences.
Psychologist Erik Erikson suggested that people move through eight stages of psychosocial development. Each stage involves an emotional challenge that may influence how we understand ourselves and relate to others.
These stages are not strict tests that we either pass or fail. Instead, they can help us understand some of the questions that shape our identity throughout life.
During infancy, we begin learning whether the world feels safe and whether other people can be relied upon.
When caregivers respond consistently enough to a baby’s needs, the baby may begin developing a basic sense of trust. They learn that discomfort can be noticed and that support may be available.
When care is frightening, unpredictable or unavailable, a child may instead learn to suppress their needs, remain alert or rely heavily on themselves.
These early experiences can influence whether we later feel comfortable asking for help, depending on others or showing vulnerability.
However, early experiences do not determine our future completely. Trust can also be strengthened through safe and consistent relationships later in life.
During early childhood, children begin developing independence.
They may want to choose what they wear, complete tasks by themselves or say “no.” When this independence is supported with appropriate boundaries, children can begin trusting their own judgement.
Frequent criticism, control or shame may instead lead them to doubt themselves.
In adulthood, this may appear as:
Reconnecting with yourself may involve learning that you are allowed to have your own preferences, needs and boundaries.
As children grow, they begin asking questions, expressing preferences and exploring their surroundings.
Supportive responses can help them feel that their ideas and interests have value. Repeated criticism or dismissal may instead teach them that it is safer to remain quiet, follow others or avoid taking up space.
During the school years, children also become increasingly aware of achievement and comparison.
They may begin identifying themselves as:
These descriptions can become part of our identity. We may continue performing these roles in adulthood, even when they no longer reflect our needs or the person we are becoming.
Erikson considered adolescence an especially important time for identity development.
Young people begin exploring their beliefs, appearance, ambitions, relationships and place within society. Trying different versions of themselves can be a natural part of learning who they are.
However, identity does not develop in isolation.
Family expectations, culture, discrimination, peer pressure and the need to belong can all influence which parts of ourselves feel safe to express.
When acceptance feels conditional, a person may learn to present the version of themselves that receives the safest response.
They may become highly aware of what other people want while losing touch with their own emotions, preferences or values.
Over time, the distance between the person they present and the person they experience internally may become difficult to recognise.
In young adulthood, the focus often shifts towards intimacy and close relationships.
Healthy intimacy involves allowing someone to know us while also maintaining our individuality.
However, closeness can become complicated when we have learned that maintaining a relationship requires us to abandon parts of ourselves.
Someone may:
They may remain physically present in a relationship while becoming increasingly disconnected from themselves.
Reconnecting does not mean becoming distant from other people. It means learning that closeness and individuality can exist together.
Feeling disconnected from yourself can happen for many reasons.
Sometimes it develops gradually through:
At other times, disconnection may function as a form of protection.
When emotions, memories or physical sensations feel overwhelming, the mind may create some distance from them.
You may feel:
For some people, these experiences may be connected to dissociation.
Dissociation exists on a spectrum and can occur during periods of stress, fear or emotional overwhelm. It can be the mind’s way of helping us cope when an experience feels too difficult to process fully.
Rather than asking:
What is wrong with me?
It may be more compassionate to ask:
What might this disconnection have helped me cope with?
Reconnecting with yourself does not require discovering one perfect or completely fixed identity.
Our sense of self continues developing throughout life. We can reconsider old beliefs, develop new boundaries and learn different ways of relating to ourselves.
Here are a few gentle ways to begin.
Pause and ask yourself:
You do not need to have immediate or perfect answers. Simply creating space for these questions can begin rebuilding your relationship with yourself.
When you feel disconnected from yourself, even simple choices can become unclear.
Try noticing small preferences throughout your day:
Small decisions can help strengthen your awareness of your own internal voice.
Our bodies can communicate feelings before we have found the words to describe them.
You may notice tension, heaviness, restlessness, numbness or a change in your breathing.
Grounding exercises can help you reconnect with the present moment through physical sensation.
You could try:
The aim is not to force yourself to feel everything at once. It is to create a small and manageable point of contact with the present.
When your identity feels unclear, your values can provide direction.
Ask yourself:
What quality would I like to bring into my life today?
It might be:
You do not need to redesign your entire life. One small action that reflects something meaningful to you can help you feel more connected to yourself.
Questions about trust, independence, identity and connection can return throughout our lives.
A new relationship may bring back questions about trust. A career change may affect your confidence. Moving to another country may lead you to reconsider your identity and sense of belonging.
Returning to an earlier emotional question does not mean that you are moving backwards.
It may mean that you are meeting the same human need from a new place, with greater awareness and different resources.
Reconnecting with yourself rarely happens through one dramatic moment.
More often, it develops through small acts of noticing, choosing and responding to yourself with care.
Each time you recognise an emotion, honour a boundary, express a preference or gently return to the present, you are reminding yourself:
I am here, and I am learning how to stay connected to myself.
Ground Me is a mental health app designed to help people understand and manage experiences related to dissociation.
Through psychoeducation, dissociation measurement, symptom tracking and grounding exercises, Ground Me can support you in noticing your experiences and finding gentle ways to reconnect with the present moment.
The app also includes the Ground Me Now feature, which helps you find a grounding exercise based on how you are feeling at that moment.
Ground Me is currently available on the Apple App Store.
Visit groundme.app to learn more.
Ground Me is a self-help and psychoeducational tool. It is not a diagnostic tool and is not intended to replace therapy, medical advice or professional mental health support.
Experiences of disconnection can have many possible causes. If you frequently feel detached from yourself or your surroundings, experience memory gaps or find that these experiences are affecting your daily life, consider speaking with a qualified mental health professional.
Bilge Kivrak is a mental health practitioner and the co-founder of Ground Me, a mental health app focused on recognising and managing dissociation.
She holds a Master’s degree in Mental Health and Clinical Psychology from London South Bank University and a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Yaşar University. She has more than six years of experience supporting adults and has a particular professional interest in trauma, dissociation and grounding.
Bilge combines her clinical experience with mental health technology, psychoeducation and public speaking to make information about dissociation more understandable and accessible.